all the help i can get

it has been rather rough going here recently. and by recently i suppose i mean the last seven months. which, not coincidentally, is the amount of time i’ve been in india. but really recently - the last two weeks or so, have been particularly tough.

my parents, who were here visiting for three weeks (see 'mom and dad...' pictures on the left,) returned home in the beginning of february. having their company: their insights, their humor, their all-around good nature and openness – was such a balm on my wounds of frustration and anger.

frustrations at why things take eight times longer here than in the united states. and then when things finally do get done, they often don’t work. frustrations at the lack of communication that occurs on a daily basis, that pulls me in and makes me fume. anger at how some people treat others here, whether the others are fellow humans or overlooked animals. i get angry and feel physically ill simultaneously. not a good feeling. anger at the immense disparity between those who have wayyy too much and those who barely have anything. anger at what seems to me to be either ignorance or indifference toward that disparity. apathy is immensely unattractive.

having my parents here was an ointment of sorts to all of that. partly reassuring, partly distracting, i felt i could breathe a bit more easily with them close at hand. but, as luck would have it, they have their own jobs, their own frustrations, their own lives that need their attention.

and, as i probably could have predicted, soon after they left i began to feel a bit anxious again. a bit unsettled, a bit panicky. my mind is too often my biggest rival, chattering away when what i could really use is a moment or two of peace and quiet. with grad school looming a little too closely ahead of me, with choices that are a bit too grown-up for my liking taking shape, i’m trying to both look at (and address) some of my issues more closely and be a smidge nicer to myself. which seems almost contradictory. but i’m trying.

a good part of that comes from turning to those who optimistically inspire, wisely instruct, or genuinely soothe me. or, if i’m really lucky, a combination of all three. one of these rare finds is the impressively insightful anne lamott. who is the best kind of crazy christian nut i could possibly imagine.

in one of her stories, at a moment of crisis and despair, frustration at others and self-hatred, she writes: “i have to believe that jesus prefers honesty to anything else. i was saying, ‘here’s who i am,’ and that is where most improvement begins.”

so, with the exception of the jesus detail, that’s what i’m going with for the moment. it’s not much. and it sure doesn’t answer all my questions or make my choices seem easier or any more fun. or convince my mind to take it easy. but it does help to smooth out the rough spots just a teeny bit. and i have to start somewhere.