“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.”
amen joseph conrad. at this point, i am less than impressed with the majority of men. and by majority i mean all, save perhaps a handful - i'm being generous - which includes my father and mr. darcy (bbc version.) as the latter is a fictional character, the current situation leaves much to be desired.
i'm looking into the remaining matriarchal communities. there's one in southeast china that's looking prettty prettty nice right about now.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
discomfort part II
i learned today from one of my bosses that the neighborhood's president, upon hearing what happened to me yesterday, called her. he told my boss that he thought the best thing would be if i vacated the house immediately. while the incident itself played a part in the situation, what was really discussed were complaints by my neighbors regarding three things. since i can't go at my neighbors, however sorely i'm tempted, let me vent a bit here.
1. the dogs. i love dogs, it's true. one thing that makes me tremendously unhappy here is the condition of dogs in this country. therefore, i feed them crackers and anything else i can scrounge up. contrary to what seems to be popular belief, i did not bring the dogs to india with me. when i arrived in this country, in this state, in my particular neighborhood, there were numerous street dogs wandering around. while i recognize that many people do not like the dogs around, at this point i see two valid options. one is to shoot the dogs (or poison them, like a program implemented in srinigar.) another is to take better care of them (feed them, spay/neuter them, maybe even go crazy and throw in a sprinkling of medicine ) as i am, for all intents and purposes, a pacifist, and perhaps more relevant in these circumstances, a dog lover, i opt for the second choice. i stand by my actions, apologize if it offends people, and can only suggest that increasing one's respect and consideration for other living creatures will only bring happiness.
2. the water tap. in the beginning, i didn't understand the water tap. this i fully admit. but by and by i got the hang of it. on in the evening, off when i get up in the morning. this way, the water tank on the roof is full for the day and i have water to wash dishes, clean my clothes, and take cold showers. but here's the thing. even when i turn the tap off, water still comes out of the drain. even when - because i think that maybe the water tank already has plenty of water - i don't turn the tap on at night, water is still spewing out come morning. and so, i apologize to my neighbors for the overflow of water. i personally don't feel this warrants a complaint to the neighborhood's president, but i guess my priorities are a bit different from those of my neighbors.
3. having guests over. yep. i've had some male friends over. i've also had my sister stay over. and i've had my parents who were visiting. if that's offensive to the point of complaining, i guess i have to just say shove it. the fact that i can have males in my house without them inappropriately touching me should empower me, not offend others. but i guess it does.
and so, once again:
shove it.
and p.s. i'm a young woman, from a completely different country, trying to get by and do some good work at the same time. throw me a frickin bone here people. give me a break.
1. the dogs. i love dogs, it's true. one thing that makes me tremendously unhappy here is the condition of dogs in this country. therefore, i feed them crackers and anything else i can scrounge up. contrary to what seems to be popular belief, i did not bring the dogs to india with me. when i arrived in this country, in this state, in my particular neighborhood, there were numerous street dogs wandering around. while i recognize that many people do not like the dogs around, at this point i see two valid options. one is to shoot the dogs (or poison them, like a program implemented in srinigar.) another is to take better care of them (feed them, spay/neuter them, maybe even go crazy and throw in a sprinkling of medicine ) as i am, for all intents and purposes, a pacifist, and perhaps more relevant in these circumstances, a dog lover, i opt for the second choice. i stand by my actions, apologize if it offends people, and can only suggest that increasing one's respect and consideration for other living creatures will only bring happiness.
2. the water tap. in the beginning, i didn't understand the water tap. this i fully admit. but by and by i got the hang of it. on in the evening, off when i get up in the morning. this way, the water tank on the roof is full for the day and i have water to wash dishes, clean my clothes, and take cold showers. but here's the thing. even when i turn the tap off, water still comes out of the drain. even when - because i think that maybe the water tank already has plenty of water - i don't turn the tap on at night, water is still spewing out come morning. and so, i apologize to my neighbors for the overflow of water. i personally don't feel this warrants a complaint to the neighborhood's president, but i guess my priorities are a bit different from those of my neighbors.
3. having guests over. yep. i've had some male friends over. i've also had my sister stay over. and i've had my parents who were visiting. if that's offensive to the point of complaining, i guess i have to just say shove it. the fact that i can have males in my house without them inappropriately touching me should empower me, not offend others. but i guess it does.
and so, once again:
shove it.
and p.s. i'm a young woman, from a completely different country, trying to get by and do some good work at the same time. throw me a frickin bone here people. give me a break.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
dealing with discomfort
i was recently in a situation where i was extremely uncomfortable. to make a long story short, i was talking with a man (or trying to, as he was speaking gujarati and i was speaking english,) and he touched me inappropriately. very inappropriately. after i shouted NO, i slammed the door in his face.
i felt angry and frustrated and embarrassed and hurt. i shared the story with pratima, my friend and coworker. she asked a couple of questions in her broken english to make sure she understood what happened. and then "chelo." let's go. pratima, sunita (another coworker,) and i walked down the street to find the man or to find my neighborhood's president to whom we would report the incident.
we didn't have far to go before we spotted the man. he sweeps my streets and we have always exchanged friendly hellos and kem-chos (how are you in gujarati.) this time wasn't so friendly. before i knew it, pratima was on him, all her 80 pounds, kicking him, hitting him, ripping his shirt. a friend of hers, a young guy who helps the office with their wiring, was nearby and, upon hearing what had happened, jumped in, delivering a couple of serious slaps to the guy's face.
i didn't know quite what to make of this. i have watched people stone someone before - the man was a driver who had caused a crash and killed people. an unbelievably horrible thing to watch, much more so than what happened this morning. and yet this morning was also painfully complex for me. i know that this is inappropriate behavior. these small things enrage me just as much as blatant disregard for treating women with respect. i should be made to feel uncomfortable because i'm a woman? no part of that is okay. and there is still another part of me that feels badly. i feel bad that this guy, someone who obviously doesn't have much, now has one less shirt to wear. i feel bad that he was publicly humiliated (even as i know what he did was wrong, that he wasn't actually hurt, and there weren't that many people around.)
but perhaps what really gets to me is something far more simple. i now question someone whom i once thought was kind and genuine. and that, quite simply, makes me very very sad.
i felt angry and frustrated and embarrassed and hurt. i shared the story with pratima, my friend and coworker. she asked a couple of questions in her broken english to make sure she understood what happened. and then "chelo." let's go. pratima, sunita (another coworker,) and i walked down the street to find the man or to find my neighborhood's president to whom we would report the incident.
we didn't have far to go before we spotted the man. he sweeps my streets and we have always exchanged friendly hellos and kem-chos (how are you in gujarati.) this time wasn't so friendly. before i knew it, pratima was on him, all her 80 pounds, kicking him, hitting him, ripping his shirt. a friend of hers, a young guy who helps the office with their wiring, was nearby and, upon hearing what had happened, jumped in, delivering a couple of serious slaps to the guy's face.
i didn't know quite what to make of this. i have watched people stone someone before - the man was a driver who had caused a crash and killed people. an unbelievably horrible thing to watch, much more so than what happened this morning. and yet this morning was also painfully complex for me. i know that this is inappropriate behavior. these small things enrage me just as much as blatant disregard for treating women with respect. i should be made to feel uncomfortable because i'm a woman? no part of that is okay. and there is still another part of me that feels badly. i feel bad that this guy, someone who obviously doesn't have much, now has one less shirt to wear. i feel bad that he was publicly humiliated (even as i know what he did was wrong, that he wasn't actually hurt, and there weren't that many people around.)
but perhaps what really gets to me is something far more simple. i now question someone whom i once thought was kind and genuine. and that, quite simply, makes me very very sad.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
all the help i can get
it has been rather rough going here recently. and by recently i suppose i mean the last seven months. which, not coincidentally, is the amount of time i’ve been in india. but really recently - the last two weeks or so, have been particularly tough.
my parents, who were here visiting for three weeks (see 'mom and dad...' pictures on the left,) returned home in the beginning of february. having their company: their insights, their humor, their all-around good nature and openness – was such a balm on my wounds of frustration and anger.
frustrations at why things take eight times longer here than in the united states. and then when things finally do get done, they often don’t work. frustrations at the lack of communication that occurs on a daily basis, that pulls me in and makes me fume. anger at how some people treat others here, whether the others are fellow humans or overlooked animals. i get angry and feel physically ill simultaneously. not a good feeling. anger at the immense disparity between those who have wayyy too much and those who barely have anything. anger at what seems to me to be either ignorance or indifference toward that disparity. apathy is immensely unattractive.
having my parents here was an ointment of sorts to all of that. partly reassuring, partly distracting, i felt i could breathe a bit more easily with them close at hand. but, as luck would have it, they have their own jobs, their own frustrations, their own lives that need their attention.
and, as i probably could have predicted, soon after they left i began to feel a bit anxious again. a bit unsettled, a bit panicky. my mind is too often my biggest rival, chattering away when what i could really use is a moment or two of peace and quiet. with grad school looming a little too closely ahead of me, with choices that are a bit too grown-up for my liking taking shape, i’m trying to both look at (and address) some of my issues more closely and be a smidge nicer to myself. which seems almost contradictory. but i’m trying.
a good part of that comes from turning to those who optimistically inspire, wisely instruct, or genuinely soothe me. or, if i’m really lucky, a combination of all three. one of these rare finds is the impressively insightful anne lamott. who is the best kind of crazy christian nut i could possibly imagine.
in one of her stories, at a moment of crisis and despair, frustration at others and self-hatred, she writes: “i have to believe that jesus prefers honesty to anything else. i was saying, ‘here’s who i am,’ and that is where most improvement begins.”
so, with the exception of the jesus detail, that’s what i’m going with for the moment. it’s not much. and it sure doesn’t answer all my questions or make my choices seem easier or any more fun. or convince my mind to take it easy. but it does help to smooth out the rough spots just a teeny bit. and i have to start somewhere.
my parents, who were here visiting for three weeks (see 'mom and dad...' pictures on the left,) returned home in the beginning of february. having their company: their insights, their humor, their all-around good nature and openness – was such a balm on my wounds of frustration and anger.
frustrations at why things take eight times longer here than in the united states. and then when things finally do get done, they often don’t work. frustrations at the lack of communication that occurs on a daily basis, that pulls me in and makes me fume. anger at how some people treat others here, whether the others are fellow humans or overlooked animals. i get angry and feel physically ill simultaneously. not a good feeling. anger at the immense disparity between those who have wayyy too much and those who barely have anything. anger at what seems to me to be either ignorance or indifference toward that disparity. apathy is immensely unattractive.
having my parents here was an ointment of sorts to all of that. partly reassuring, partly distracting, i felt i could breathe a bit more easily with them close at hand. but, as luck would have it, they have their own jobs, their own frustrations, their own lives that need their attention.
and, as i probably could have predicted, soon after they left i began to feel a bit anxious again. a bit unsettled, a bit panicky. my mind is too often my biggest rival, chattering away when what i could really use is a moment or two of peace and quiet. with grad school looming a little too closely ahead of me, with choices that are a bit too grown-up for my liking taking shape, i’m trying to both look at (and address) some of my issues more closely and be a smidge nicer to myself. which seems almost contradictory. but i’m trying.
a good part of that comes from turning to those who optimistically inspire, wisely instruct, or genuinely soothe me. or, if i’m really lucky, a combination of all three. one of these rare finds is the impressively insightful anne lamott. who is the best kind of crazy christian nut i could possibly imagine.
in one of her stories, at a moment of crisis and despair, frustration at others and self-hatred, she writes: “i have to believe that jesus prefers honesty to anything else. i was saying, ‘here’s who i am,’ and that is where most improvement begins.”
so, with the exception of the jesus detail, that’s what i’m going with for the moment. it’s not much. and it sure doesn’t answer all my questions or make my choices seem easier or any more fun. or convince my mind to take it easy. but it does help to smooth out the rough spots just a teeny bit. and i have to start somewhere.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Late Fragment, Raymond Carver
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
musings on my office life, part I
in a land where coffee (for better or worse,) relinquishes its title to chai, the variations of this sweet, creamy, spice-infused tea are endless and, more often than not, delightful. subtleties that exist between different chai wallas in my town become more pronounced from state to state. spicier chai predominates in the south, where bold kicks of cardamom match jolts of cinnamon which in turn draw out the layered flavors of nutmeg. as one travels further north, the sweeter the chai. heaping spoonfuls of sugar tame the spices. still full of flavor, this version is more soothing (at least to those with my level of sweet tooth.) i’m ready to drink this remarkably versatile variety throughout the day - before breakfast, during midday breaks, even as dessert. or to be completely honest, with dessert. regardless of one’s geographical location, regardless of the sugar to spice ratio, good chai is one thing that seems to be a constant throughout india.except in my office. the poor quality of chai in my office is impressive in its own right. it doesn’t always taste the same – the amount of sugar and spices vary. it is just unfailingly bad. the chai ranges from tasting like bland, sweet breakfast tea on the best of days to lukewarm, watered-down skim milk on the verge of going rancid. there is no designated chai maker at my office. and truthfully, even if there were one, i’m not sure whom i would pick.
veersing, our driver/handyman, makes the chai, if he shows up to work (he was absent 13 days last month,) and if he feels like it. when he does, about half the time it turns out as bland, sweet, breakfast tea. the rest of the time it hovers around the middle of the scale. when minaxi (who doesn’t believe that sugar belongs in chai,) goes to task, it almost always errs toward a lackluster, watered-down, skim milk taste. when she makes chai, i immediately think to myself that i would rather just have boiling water, which might at least be somewhat beneficial for my health. but of course i can’t say that, and so instead i reach for the sugar to add a couple of healthy teaspoons, much to minaxi’s bemusement. and then there’s pratima, a close friend of mine at the office. pratima likes to add tulsi, a local herb which i’ve recently discovered is a very strong type of basil, that she insists is good for stress and a blood purifier. she is quite resourceful, a quality i generally admire. but not, I’ve realized, when it comes to chai. pratima looks around, finding and adding whatever spice she can get her hands on. so, when a visitor brought some home-grown ginger to the office recently, pratima was delighted. grating the ginger zealously, she added what looked to be half a cupful. this, along with the tulsi, was a powerful enough combination to turn the milk rancid, if not in actuality, then at least in taste.
i’m not comfortable enough here yet to point out the deficiencies of the office chai. i’m not sure i’ll ever be. instead, i accept the chai that is brought to me daily at 11 and again at 4 with a meek smile and a reach for the sugar (or splenda, if i feel like treating myself.) and i make it a point to sample the wonderfully delectable varieties from the numerous chai stands on the street corners whenever i’m out and about.
Friday, January 4, 2008
my sister came to visit
my sister laura came to visit a couple of weeks ago. she stayed for two weeks, and while it was very stressful for me, it was also wonderful.i've been thinking about how to write about her visit, how to do justice to this relation of mine who is overwhelmingly complicated, confusing, and frustrating. and, at the same time, comfortably familiar, hysterically funny, and has proven to be an excellent companion when things get rough.
i'm still not sure how. but i was gently reminded by my sister that something should be posted.
a (complete) email i received from her this morning:
_________________________________________________________
| show details 12:18 PM (4 hours ago) |
|
_________________________________________________________
so, in lieu of a thorough note, or perhaps just while i collect my thoughts some more, please see the pictures i have posted (to the left, under 'lovely laura's look around') from her visit.
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